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Thofire: The Movie
Thofire: The Movie is an idea thought up by Spookystorm, Highway Star and Motercycle Man. It is an action/comedy/fantasy film focusing on the backstory and adventures of Thofire Silvertouch. Casting THOFIRE: THE MOVIE STARRING: LIAM NEESON AS THOFIRE SILVERTOUCH ANGELINA JOLIE AS CONSTANZA DU BEC MEGAN FOX AS XYRORA SILVERTOUCH MORGAN FREEMAN AS THOROAR SILVERTOUCH DAME JUDI DENCH AS BRETHANA SILVERTOUCH MARTIN FREEMAN AS FRULAMIN SILVERTOUCH DANIEL RADCLIFFE AS PAOLINO DU BEC EMMA WATSON AS LUCIANA DU BEC ANTHONY HOPKINS AS VITO CORLEON AARON ECKHART AS KEVAMROS DARKEYES LENA HEADEY AS ARATRANNA DARKEYES TOM HIDDLESTON AS NORAVER DARKEYES VIN DIESEL AS ERAAMION FIRAAL SEAN BEAN AS ORKLAN BOARHIDE DAVID BOWIE AS MEREDITH DELANG JACK BLACK AS GHAZGHKULL MAG URUK THRAKA AINSLEY HARRIOTT AS JEDCIT STAN LEE AS MALARETH SNOOP LION AS TRAVEUS/SUEVART KEANU REEVES AS DAR GREMATH MAGGIE SMITH AS REITHANN JOHN MALKOVICH AS KRYUS KOROLEV/REDTHORN RUPERT GRINT AS KOMARIAN EDGAR ZAC EFFRON AS VICLAMIN GLABREZULORD ALAN TUDYK AS''' LOTGEIR VOARMICE''' CARY ELWES AS RIPKARD ROBERTS SYLVESTER STALLONE AS WILRIL SERPENTHELM ROBERT TSAI AS THOMAS DOBLET WITH PETER DINKLAGE AS DAVID JONES JACK NICHOLSON AS HUSH KAREN GILLAN AS NYYSSA RATKO BRUCE WILLIS AS 47 WILL SMITH AS ADEWALE ORLANDO BLOOM AS DAUD ATTANO GIANNA MICHAELS AS UNNAMED BARGIRL 1 LEXI BELLE AS UNNAMED BARGIRL 2 AND MICHAEL GAMBON AS NARRATOR AND DM DIRECTOR: ZACK SNYDER PRODUCERS: M. NIGHT. SHYAMALAN, GUILLERMO DEL TORO, MICHAEL BAY CO-PRODUCER: BRETT RADNER, CATHERINE HARDWICK, JJ ABRAMS Script 1. Intro (Fade in to a burning field - night. Camera pans across the field, Corpses strewn everywhere. Dramatic music plays in background) THOFIRE: I have become death; destroyer of lives. It started the death of my father and Xyrora. Then it was the Corleons, the Darkeyes, the Windstrider, Draisia, Traveus and Harkenwold. My skills are unmatched by those who stand before me. (Camera pans up to a silhouette of THOFIRE, a bloody rapier in one hand and a decapitated head in the other) THOFIRE: My name is Thofire Silvertouch. I am the bringer of the end. Prepare to face your death. (Background goes black; the blood-like words 'THOFIRE' appear over it in the style of a blood splatter) 2. Early life THOFIRE: (Narrating over helicopter view of Greenhills) I guess it starts at the beginning. I was born in Greenhills to my father, Thoroar, and mother, Brethana. My father was the wisest person I ever knew. He gave me advice that would guide me for the rest of my life. (Cuts to THOROAR and THOFIRE sitting in a field) THOROAR: Let me tell you something son. I can see why some of the boys here think that you're snobby. You have a way about you, a walk and a talk that just isn't normal around here. You stroll, like a man in a park without a care or a worry in the world, like you have on an invisible coat that shields you from this place. Yeah, I think it would be fair to say... I like Thofire Silvertouch from the start. But always remember our motto, in Local Halfling Language: nothing is true, everything is permitted. (Cuts to Silvertouch family kneeling by FRULAMIN's bed) THOFIRE: (Narrating) Unfortunately, my brother Frulamin was struck down by a terrible disease. We found out all too late that he had been poisoned. THOFIRE: (From bedside) I don't know what kind of bug you are, I don't know what you want. If you want a ransom, I can tell you, I don't have any money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills that I have required over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for bugs like you. If you let my brother live, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you. (FRULAMIN dies. BRETHANA screams and THOROAR barges out of the door. We follow THOROAR as he walks down the street, but turns to see fifty muggers looking threateningly at him) THOROAR: Hello boys. You now have a choice: get busy living... (First mugger falls dead, knife through throat.) THOROAR: Or get busy dying. That's damn right. THOFIRE: (Narrating shots of THOROAR fighting in speed ramps. Muggers start to attack THOROAR. He kills ten, ramping with every attack. Sword through face of one, legs sliced off of another, throws sword through stomach of another. Pulls out bow, fires arrow through chest of fourth. Grabs his sword, disarms fifth and slices his face off. Plunges both swords through stomach of sixth. Drops swords and picks up a spear, throws it through the chests of seventh and eighth mugger. Grabs his own sword, follows up with a decapitation of ninth and snapping the neck of tenth) My father fought harder that day than he ever did before. But eventually, a cowardly boy stabbed him in the back. (Shows boy stabbing THOROAR in the back. He falls to his knees, then background explodes Ask Michael Bay to do the explosions. All the muggers launched away by explosions (power rangers style). Screen fades to black) THOFIRE: (Narrating. Fades in to young Thofire running up to his father and cradling him, crying.) Things were never the same after that. I guess I just miss my friend,Thoroar Silvertouch. Brethna was never the same, losing her son and husband on the same day. I recovered eventually and found love. (A scene of an older THOFIRE walking through a forest at sunset with XYRORA. Leaves fall as they walk. They have arms linked, laughing) THOFIRE: I met Xyrora Hollysharp, the most perfect woman who had ever lived. A month later, we were married. (XYRORA and THOFIRE kissing at wedding, applauding crowd) THOFIRE: But like all good things in my life, it was not to last. A year after our marriage, Xyrora was struck down by bandits in the forest where we met. (THOFIRE runs in slow motion up to a heavily bleeding XYRORA. Sad music plays in background. He cradles her in his arms in a close shot, while she whispers something inaudible. She falls limp, shot zooms away. THOFIRE gives a cry of anger and despair as lightning flashes in the background.) THOFIRE: I tried appealing to the government, but they turned me away time after time. I had to take matters into my own hands. ominous music THOFIRE: (Narrating over a shot of THOFIRE crouching in some bushes, looking ferocious) I found the bandit camp easy enough. After that, it was a simple matter of revenge. (Ominous music turns into battle music, as THOFIRE charges into the bandit camp. throwing some daggers at UNNAMED GUARD #1. He then dismembers UNNAMED GUARD #2 and proceeds to destroy the bandit camp. UNNAMED GUARD #3 tries to run away, THOFIRE flips over him and throws a knife into his throat) THOFIRE: (Shouting while fighting) I AM A SEXY FACIAL HAIRED GOD OF WAR!!! (Zoom out on bandit camp, burning) THOFIRE: Those deaths were the first of many in my spree of vengeance. 3. Halfing Criminal Families THOFIRE: (narrating over shot of THOFIRE approaching house. He enters and starts chatting with CONSTANZA) Through my actions, I learned that it was the Corleons who had ordered the death of my father and Xyrora. I learned that Vito, their leader, had a daughter: Constanza. I planned to infiltrate them using her. At first I thought she was a vicious serpent-like woman, but I now regret that analysis. She was one of the kindest people I had ever met. Posing as Antonio Du Bec, I courted her. It only took two months. (Cuts to THOFIRE and CONSTANZA getting married. They passionately kiss) THOFIRE: (THOFIRE sneaks out of bed in his underwear and opens a safe. Cuts to THOFIRE running away from house, pulling up trousers and smiling creepily) Three days after the marriage, I stole all of the Corleon's money and fled into the night. Unfortunately, I had left something behind. (Rainy, depressing scene of a hut. CONSTANZA and holds two small children close to her) THOFIRE: Constanza had twins: Paolino and Luciana Du Bec. My children. Vito had kicked them out of his home and sent them to live in the slums Wiwic. (Flashback to a scene in a bare Corleon manor. CONSTANZA is hugging her children) VITO: I'm giving you a choice. Get rid of those vile creatures, or you're out. CONSTANZA: (sobbing) I choose my children, you demon. I hope that Raven Queen destroys your soul. VITO: (Shouting, furious) Then begone, scum! I never wish to see you again. THOFIRE: Vito died shortly after. As soon as I found out about their struggle, I payed for their safe passage to Greenhills so that they may live with my mother. I would have gone to live with them, but I had other things to do. (Flashes of the other criminal families: Pericuzios, Violas and Puzos all shown) THOFIRE: The other families had to fall. The Pericuzios. The Violas. The Puzos. They all fell by one man under a different name. Before long all of the criminal families had been robbed and ground to dust under my feet. But my appetite for destruction was not satisfied. I had to turn my attention to humans, welcome myself to their jungle of criminality. I had to take down The Darkeyes. (The Darkeyes flash before the screen. Various brutalities shown) THOFIRE: The Darkeyes were led by Kevamros (KEVAMROS appears on the screen. KEVAMROS DARKEYES written in a blood-like font), a brutal man with a burned face. He had to see 14 executions every week: one at sunrise, one at sunset. Noraver was his son (NORAVER appears on the screen. NORAVER DARKEYES written in a blood-like font), a lycanthrope said to have killed his own brother. Aratranna was his daughter (ARATRANNA appears on the screen. ARATRANNA DARKEYES written in a blood-like font) and she was the most beautiful woman in the city, Draisia. Kevamros wanted her to marry a politican; she married a halfling looking for work: me. (THOFIRE and ARATRANNA engage in various 'romantic' activities) THOFIRE: I didn't change my name because I thought humans were stupid. I was wrong. Nevertheless, I infiltrated the family. Kevamros saw me as a charming, determined man and he gave his blessings to the marriage. Noraver was not convinced. He somehow used his superior insight to learn that I had an underlying motive. He was right. (THOFIRE and ARATRANNA moving around under a bedcover) THOFIRE: (Groaning in pleasure) Oh, Xyrora! (moving around stops) ARATRANNA: (in a screechy voice) SHUT UP! WHO'S XYRORA!? SAY THAT AGAIN AND I'LL CUT OFF YOUR MEMBER THOFIRE: (seductively) Shut up, biatch. ARATRANNA: Yes master. (Scenes of the wedding. After the vows, KEVAMROS approaches THOFIRE) KEVAMROS: Thofire, Thofire, Thofire. It truly is an honour to marry my daughter off to you. (THOFIRE smiles and begins to turn away, but KEVAMROS grabs his arm and turns him back) One thing, however ... The Darkeyes don't appreciate men who cheat on their women. Also, since I am a loving father, I will carry out all of Aratranna's wishes. And she usually wishes death for men who cheat on her. THOFIRE: Is that a threat? I've heard better threats from Orgnar. KEVAMROS: (Chuckles, then walks away before stopping) Wait. Who's Orgnar? (THOFIRE turns away, but is grabbed by an assailant and pulled into an alley. Assailant turns out to be NORAVER) NORAVER: (Snarling in THOFIRE'S face) Listen to me, you halfling runt. I know that you're planning something. You may have fooled my sister and my father, but you'll never fool me. (Leans in) You aren't worthy of Aratranna's hand. THOFIRE: (unperturbed) Is this all because you and your sister are fucking? NORAVER: (Grinning wolfishly) Oh, you'll regret that. You'll regret that very sincerely. (NORAVER backs around a corner. Disappears. THOFIRE goes back to the party) THOFIRE: Later that night, I went to follow my routine. (THOFIRE gets out of bed, well formed abs showing. Gets dressed and sneaks off) THOFIRE: There were... complications. (ARATRANNA wakes up and sees THOFIRE picking the lock to a safe) ARATRANNA: (Confused, angry) What do you think you're doing? THOFIRE: Baby, I... Let me give you some- ARATRANNA: (Solemn) Noraver was right. (Shouting) Guards, father! We have a thief in the house! (Thunder of footsteps fills the room as THOFIRE grabs a rapier off a wall. KEVAMROS and 4 UNNAMED GUARDS enter the room) THOFIRE: I hoped it would never come down to this... (THOFIRE flings himself through the air and decapitates the first unnamed guard, then throws a dagger at KEVAMROS: misses. Three remaining guards fire crossbow bolts at THOFIRE. He dodges two, grabs the other and stabs the second guard through the eye with it. He spins and stabs person sneaking up on him. Camera pans to see ARATRANNA impaled on THOFIRE's rapier) ARATRANNA: But... I... loved you. (ARATRANNA slumps off the rapier and dies. THOFIRE look upset momentarily, then slices off the third unnamed guard's legs. He jump-kicks the fourth unnamed guard, who is charging at THOFIRE, into KEVAMROS. THOFIRE jumps on top of them, pinning them down) KEVAMROS: (Spitting with fury) You. killed. my. daughter! Noraver will kill you for this. THOFIRE: (Uncaringly) Nothing personal, dad-in-law. I just hate the guts of people like you. (THOFIRE plunges his blade through the fourth unnamed guard and KEVAMROS' throat, both die. THOFIRE hears approaching guards. He jumps out of the window and runs towards a stable) THOFIRE: Orgnar! Wake up! (A German shepherd runs to THOFIRE. THOFIRE sits on him and is about to ride off when he sees guards surrounding him) THOFIRE: Now, my good riding dog. Kill. (ORGNAR's eyes retract and two gatling guns emerge from the sockets. The dog starts spinning and mowing down guards. Explosions everywhere. When 95% are dead, time freezes) DM: (booming) STOP! There are no guns in this world and definitely no dogs with automatic machine guns behind their eyes. Rewrite this backstory! (ORGNAR vanishes and THOFIRE lands on his feet. With a look of confusion, he starts running. A shot shows him running as fast as he can out of the gates of Draisia) THOFIRE: That is the story of how I became a fugitive. I learned that Noraver sent 6 assassins after me shortly after. It look a long time for life to improve. 4. The Windstrider Begins (Shot from above shows THOFIRE is walking through a dark, grey skyed city. He looks mistrustingly at people) THOFIRE: (Narrating) Eventually I found myself in Caulkenny, capital city of Morley. The place has an isolationist attitude; that suited me fine. (THOFIRE looks at a masked city watchman. He looks back.) CITY WATCH GUARD: If I catch your hand in my pocket, halfling, I'll cut it off. (THOFIRE turns away and walks faster. Enters into a crowded inn). THOFIRE: I knew one of the assassins would catch me eventually. It just happened to be today. (DAVID JONES, a sinister looking gnome, approaches THOFIRE and lays a hand on his shoulder. THOFIRE tenses up) DAVID JONES: (Laughing quietly) I found you, and now it's time for you to die! (DAVID JONES spins around) DAVID JONES: (Shouting, pointing at THOFIRE) 200 gold pieces to the person who kills that halfling! (Everyone in the bar gets up and walks menacingly up to THOFIRE except a hooded man in the corner. THOFIRE grabs a stool and smacks two men round the face with it, then trips up a man charging at him and proceeds to stap on his head. THOFIRE smashes a bottle of ale and uses it to slit the throat of a man who is coming at him with a knife) THOFIRE: (As two men with long daggers sneak up behind THOFIRE, who is holding off another man) Two good things came from that bar fight... (Ramping as lightning hits both the men sneaking up on THOFIRE, who are sent flying off screen as normal motion speed returns. THOFIRE slices open the man he was holding off's stomach and turns to see the hooded man with a staff outstretched. They proceed to kill the rest of the bar members) THOFIRE: The first was that I killed one of the assassins. (DAVID JONES starts to flee, but THOFIRE kicks him up between the legs with a sickening crunch. Pain fills DAVID JONES' face. Camera cuts to be from the gnome's perspective. THOFIRE then stabs the gnome through the eye with a broken chair leg) THOFIRE: (As he shakes his hand with the hooded man) The second was that I met Eraamion Firaal. (ERAAMION takes the hood off of the cloak, revealing long, white hair and pure green eyes) THOFIRE: Thanks for the help back there. Not that I needed it or anything. ERAAMION: Of course you didn't. (Awkward silence) ERAAMION: My name is Eraamion Firaal. I am searching for men to man my ship. THOFIRE: Thofire Silvertouch. Why do you want me? ERAAMION: I'm on a mission. A mission of vengeance. THOFIRE: (Starts paying attention) You have my interest. ERAAMION: Then let me begin... (Turn to manga-style flashback) (Scene fades to a helicopter shot of a sunny, Mediterranean-esque city) ERAAMION: I come from the city of Cullero, Serkonos: a flourishing centre of trade and culture. All creatures were allowed in- Small, Medium, and remarkably Large sized creatures were all allowed in. However, Gargantuans were not. (Camera descends to a large beachside mansion) ERAAMION: I lived in the family manor for the first two decades of my life with my parents and twin brother. My mother, Elanin, was a very successful merchant and my father, Ilendril, was a politician. My brother was Mirkrali. We have a rich history that we can trace back to the Fey city of Mithrendain, but to explain would take far too much time. (Scene cuts to Eraamion practising magic with ELBERON) ERAAMION: I was well educated by my tutor, Elberon Berengot. It was through his teaching that I was able to develop a unique kind of flammable tar and a spell that allows me to travel to temples of the Outsider via instant teleportation. Between my studies and visiting my friend, Caelynna, life was perfect. (Pauses dramatically) It was not to last. (Cut to an exploding, burning Firaal Manor. ELANIN and ILENDRIL are back to back firing fireballs and lightning at attacking pirates, killing them. Cuts to MIRKRALI outside killing pirates with his longsword. Cuts back to ELANIN and ILENDRIL, both get stabbed and mortally wounded. They look to each other, a tears glistening in their eyes. Both explode in a ball of fire, killing all nearby pirates. Scene fades back to ERAAMION in the inn.) ERAAMION: Pirates, led by the infamous drow captain Sontro'vhi Primor, had attacked my home. I was out at the time, and I came home too late. My parents had sacrificed their lives to stop them, but it was not enough. Some survived and they took everything, including my brother's life. If I was there, they may have survived. My mission is to right the wrongs caused by that foul creature, at any cost. Will you join me? (Cuts back to the inn, where ERAAMION and THOFIRE are having a beer over the corpses) THOFIRE: So, you want me to work for you as a mean to get revenge. ERAAMION: Yes. THOFIRE: I warn you, I don't come cheap. ERAAMION: I was afraid of that. (Starts rummaging in pouch) So, what will it be? 500 gp? 1000? THOFIRE: (Pulling ERAAMION'S hand out of the pouch) No money. I just want the same thing you want. Revenge. ERAAMION: (Smiling) Good. Then we sail at dawn. (Starts heading towards the door). THOFIRE: Wait! What's the ship called? ERAAMION: (Turning around) The Windstrider. 5. The Early Adventures (The Windstrider sails through an open sea) THOFIRE: (Narrating) I ended up spending fifteen years sailing with Eraamion. I met some great people: Ripkard, Viclamin, Wilril, Lotgeir and Thomas just to name a few. I was out to kill Noraver while Eraamion was going to take down Sontro'vhi. It made for a perfect friendship. But we both didn't want to leave a scar on our family names, so used the titles 'Sahlok and Yawnek'. (Camera zooms to a new ship approaching through the mist) THOFIRE: That's not to say we didn't do anything else along the way. One of our first adventures was against a slaver... (RIPKARD ROBERTS approaches ERAAMION and THOFIRE, who are sailing the ship) RIPKARD: Sirs, I have spotted a ship to our north. It seems to have the insignia of a slaver. We should be careful: they may be in need of a better class of sailor. (KOMARIAN EDGAR approaches, pulling a telescope from his eye) KOMARIAN: That ain't no ordinary ship, me lads. That be the Greene Garland, ship o' Kryus the Virus. He kidnaps people 'n' takes 'em to Kord knows where. If'n ye dinnae mind, I would like ta kill 'im. That bastard took me parents and I nev'r forgave 'im. ERAAMION: (Turning to KOMARIAN ) For you, Komarian, we shall attack. Hopefully we can save whoever's on board. KOMARIAN: Thank ye, sir. THOFIRE: (Shouting) All men to their stations! Prepare to battle! (The Windstrider draws closer to the Greene Garland. Sabaton's Reign of Terror begins to play. The Windstrider fires a ballista at the Greene Garland, killing five UNNAMED SLAVERS. The crew of the Windstrider jump on to the Greene Garland, and KOMARIAN, wielding a hammer, charges at KRYUS THE VIRUS, who wields a fish hook. KOMARIAN tries to smash KRYUS' head in, but KRYUS ducks and slashes KOMARIAN's cheek. KOMARIAN responds by smashing KRYUS' leg with his hammer) KRYUS: You're a fool for attacking me. Once I win, I'll enslave you all. But you? You, I'll kill. (KRYUS dodges KOMARIAN, then pulls him to the ground with his hooked weapon. KRYUS then plunges it in by the spear tip) KOMARIAN: (Gasps sharply) Yer a bastard. (KOMARIAN slumps, dead) THOFIRE: (Yelling) KOMARIAN! (KOMARIAN dies. All other sound is muted. KRYUS looks threateningly at THOFIRE) THOFIRE: DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! (THOFIRE charges at KRYUS,cutting him several times across the midriff. KRYUS yells out in pain, and falls to the ground. THOFIRE picks him up) THOFIRE: (In KRYUS' face) Have some fun with the fishes. (THOFIRE throws KRYUS off the side of the ship in slow motion. KRYUS falls extremely slowly, arms flailing. We hear a splash as the scene cuts away, but don't see if KRYUS is dead. ERAAMION fires a bolt of lightning over the edge of the ship) ERAAMION: Now! (Pots fly from the Windstrider into the air and explode on the ship, killing enemies and sending them flying through the air. Their arms spin in wide circles. The remaining crew of the Greene Garland surrender) (WILRIL SERPENTHELM approaches THOFIRE) WILRIL: What happened to Komarian? THOFIRE: (Sighing sadly) Komarian is dead. The slaver's leader killed him. (WILRIL's face fills with anger) WILRIL: No no no! (WILRIL spins around and punches the head of UNNAMED SLAVER 1 clean off and snaps the neck of UNNAMED SLAVER 2. RIPKARD runs over to WILRIL and tries to restrain him) RIPKARD: Wilril, calm down! These people didn't kill him. They don't need to die. (WILRIL looks back at RIPKARD sadly, he nods and walk back to The Windstrider) (ERAAMION picks up KRYUS' spear-hook and walks to the wheel of the Greene Garland. A crowd of The Windstrider's crewmembers and former slaves had gathered) ERAAMION: Crewmembers, freedmen! Hear me when I say that we have achieved a great victory today. A man of evil, driven by his greed and urge to destroy, has been usurped. But we are not without our losses. A dwarf, Komarian Edgar, was killed by that man. Komarian was a great man and friend of many of us. (Camera quickly cuts between certain members of The Windstrider) ERAAMION: But his sacrifice shall not be forgotten. Freedmen, you may take this ship and sail to wherever you please; I know at least one of you here can sail. But when people ask for your story, tell them of the heroism of Komarian. Make him a legend. For that dwarf, though small in stature, was the greatest among us all. (The crowd cheers. ERAAMION turns to address the crew of the Greene Garland) ERAAMION: Crew of Kryus, I offer you one thing: redemption. You may join our crew and we will forgive your previous actions. But be warned: put one step out of line and you'll end up like your leader. (ERAAMION steps down from the wheel and heads back to The Windstrider. THOFIRE approaches him) THOFIRE: Nicely done. I really wasn't sure whether you'd be able to control that rabble, but you are the best class of speaker. ERAAMION: Thank you. I- (THOFIRE and ERAAMION are cut short by LOTGEIR VOARMICE running towards them) LOTGEIR: Sirs, I am honoured to be in your presence. THOFIRE: Thank you. Who might you be? LOTGEIR: I am Lotgeir Voarmice. You rescued me and I want to repay the favour. I was a sailor before Kryus plundered the ship I was on. If you hadn't attacked first, he probably would have done the same to you. So I ask if I may join your crew. (ERAAMION and THOFIRE look at each other. They both nod) ERAAMION: (Shakes LOTGEIR's hand) Welcome to The Windstrider, Mr. Voarmice. (Scene cuts to KRYUS' hook-spear on a plaque in the captain's quarters of The Windstrider. Slowly zooms out) THOFIRE: (Narrating) And that is the story of how we stopped a slave operation, lost a great friend and gained a new one. This was 2 years ago, mind you. (Scene fades to THOFIRE sitting with two human girls with his arm around them. They seem enthralled by his every word) UNNAMED BARGIRL 1: That was amazing. UNNAMED BARGIRL 2: I agree, you were so heroic. THOFIRE: (Laughs heartily) Why, thank you. Now let's get back to my room and- (ERAAMION walks up to THOFIRE and the 2 UNNAMED BARGIRLS, seemingly drunk) ERAAMION: (slurring his words) Sorry ladies, but Thofire and I are in a very, very loving relationship. We made love to each other but a few days ago. I was on top, of course. Thofire didn't seem to like it, his backside is still raw from the pounding! But we've actually thought about marriage. You know, it'll be one of the world's first gay marriages between an eladrin and a halfling (Both UNNAMED BARGIRLS look at each other in horror. One looks sick because of the description) UNNAMED BARGIRL 1: Oh my gosh! UNNAMED BARGIRL 2: We're so sorry. We thought you were ... I think we'll just leave. (Both UNNAMED BARGIRLS walk away. ERAAMION is suddenly sober and is laughing to himself) THOFIRE: (Angrily) Damn you, bastard. I almost had them. (THOFIRE tries to punch ERAAMION in the stomach, but misses when ERAAMION conjures a mage hand to pull THOFIRE back slightly) ERAAMION: (Still laughing) I apologise about that, but I couldn't resist. I honestly didn't think they would believe my mistruths. I promise, next time I shall not get between you and your... business. (The mage hand drops THOFIRE) THOFIRE: (Mutters) Arsehole. (Scene fades back to The Windstrider, shots of the crew walking around. The atmosphere is misty) THOFIRE: (Narrating) Back at sea, we were still in search of Sontro'vhi and his men. However, on a misty morning something turned up that I really should have expected. (THOMAS DOBLET runs up to ERAAMION and THOFIRE) THOMAS: I have new information on the whereabouts of Sontro'vhi! (THOMAS hands ERAAMION a letter. He quickly looks over it) ERAAMION: Good job, Doblet. I'm glad we have you on board. THOMAS: (Happily) No problem, sir. We're doing so well, I could well retire tomorrow. (Scene cuts to behind The Windstrider. A ship with a wooden bird as its figurehead emerges from the fog, crew roaring) THOFIRE: (shouting) Battle stations! Prepare to attack! (The crew rush around, preparing the ballistas) THOFIRE: (quietly to THOMAS) Never say that again. Something bad will always happen when you say that. (A rush of ballista bolts fly over The Windstrider. One hits the mast and the words 'Jackdaw' are clearly visible) THOFIRE: Shit, it's Adewale. Wilril, fire the catapults. (WILRIL launches rocks from the catapults) WILRIL: Has he ever 'aided' a whale, if you know what I mean (laughs). THOFIRE: This is no time to be joking around. (ERAAMION places his hand on THOFIRE's shoulder) ERAAMION: I think it's time for us to use our secret weapon. THOFIRE: Oh, you really think so? (ERAAMION nods, then sticks his staff into a slot next to the wheel. A large contraption emerges from beneath the deck) THOFIRE: (Narrating) Sometimes I wish my sword could be as long as Eraamion's staff. My short sword, which I inherited from my father, does the job fine. But something longer would help a lot of the time. ERAAMION: Fire the heat ray! (The Windstrider turns and sunlight enters the contraption. A beam of light emerges from one end and hits the Jackdaw. The Jackdaw bursts into flames and explodes) ERAAMION: (Quietly to himself) I always knew Estormo's invention would come in handy one day. (THOFIRE approaches the back of the boat and sees ADEWALE) THOFIRE: (Mockingly) What the hell happened there? ADEWALE: (Angrily) You happened here, Thofire. The contract you caused six years ago has not been undone. THOFIRE: I'm not an easy man to call a target, am I? (The Windstrider sails away) THOFIRE: (Quietly) Heh, aid a whale. THOFIRE: (Narrating) We later found out that Adewale was able to make it back to shore. He survived, but thankfully we obliterated his ship. That should be one more assassin down for a while. (Scene fades out to a black screen. "Two years later" appears on it) 6. Tying up Loose Ends THOFIRE: (Narrating) We carried on sailing, gaining riches and notoriety. But we had not forgotten our original goals. Now, we were taking out Noraver once and for all... (The Windstrider approaches the port of Draisia, the Darkeyes Manor clearly in view) THOFIRE: Comrades, today we take care of something we should have done a long time ago. The man who runs this city, Noraver Darkeyes, is an evil lycanthrope. We will destroy him and wipe the Darkeyes from this world. Prepare to your weapons! (Six other ships approach behind The Windstrider) THOFIRE: (Narrating) Of course, we had some allies to help us. (The Windstrider pulls into the port just ahead of the other ships) THOFIRE: Charge! (The crew of the ships roar and run at the city, waving scimitars and axes. Sabaton's Firestorm starts playing. Some city watch footsoldiers are killed by the crowd. Scene cuts to city watch archers firing into the crowd, but they are quickly killed by lightning which is shown to be fired by ERAAMION. The scene cuts to ERAAMION and THOFIRE standing back, then running towards the Darkeyes Manor) ERAAMION: The plan seems to be working. THOFIRE: Yeah, the city watch are all tied up trying to stop the looting. (ERAAMION and THOFIRE burst through the front doors of the Darkeyes Manor, surprising 4 UNNAMED DARKEYES GUARDS. THOFIRE throws a dagger at UNNAMED DARKEYES GUARD 1, slicing his throat open and killing him. ERAAMION fires a ball of fire at UNNAMED DARKEYES GUARD 2, making him run off while burning. UNNAMED DARKEYES GUARD 3 is then stabbed by THOFIRE while UNNAMED DARKEYES GUARD 4 is tripped by ERAAMION then shot in the face) THOFIRE: Noraver should have a guard or two outside his room. Be careful. (THOFIRE and ERAAMION run up the stairs and start looking left) ERAAMION: Do you know which room he lives in? THOFIRE: No, but I can remember seeing his sister enter one and then hearing some 'interesting' noises coming out of it. (They approach the door in question and try to open it, but it is locked) THOFIRE: Thought so. That's why I brought this. (THOFIRE pulls out a small pot and places it by the door. He whatever is inside then ERAAMION and THOFIRE roll out of the way. The scene cuts to the inside of the room. UNNAMED DARKEYES GUARD 5 approaches the door, but is blown up in slow motion as the door explodes inwards. NORAVER DARKEYES covers his face. He is very frail, looks like he's wasting away) NORAVER: (Scared) No... not like this! You were supposed to be dead! ERAAMION: You won't know me, but I've been very busy helping your friend so he could be here today. So show some respect, wolf. (THOFIRE approaches NORAVER, smirking) THOFIRE: You sent six assassins after me. I didn't like that. Now, say hello to the Raven Queen for me - she's an old friend. (THOFIRE quickly spins and decapitates NORAVER in slow motion, the head flies through the air. Blood spurts everywhere) ERAAMION: That was over rather quickly. THOFIRE: I agree: we should give our allies more time to loot before we move on to stage 2... (THOFIRE and ERAAMION leave the room) (Shot over Draisia, with various scenes of the deaths of Draisian citizens. A man and woman kiss, then the house behind them explodes. THOMAS DOBLET, LUCIUS FOX, LOTGEIR VOARMICE and WILRIL SERPENTHELM are shown running from a house, their arms full with gold. Show crews running back to their ships, which slowly draw out of port) THOFIRE: (Narrating) I could have let that end my association with the Darkeyes, but to do that, I had to destroy Draisia itself. (Shows Windstrider crew readying catapults) ERAAMION: At my mark ... one ... two ... three ... THOFIRE: (Interrupting) FIRE! (Catapults fire Greek/Serkonan Fire pots at Draisia) THOFIRE: (Catching ERAAMION'S disaproving eye) What? You were taking too damn slow. (Helicopter shot of Draisia burning) THOFIRE: (Narrating) Only twelve people survived our attack. It was a monstrous end for a monstrous city. (Scene fades to crewmembers of The Windstrider drinking and dancing seductively with scantily-clad girls) THOFIRE: (Narrating) And so to celebrate the fall of Noraver we held a party on our ship. We had booze, sexy girls and everything else that makes for a good party. But Eraamion and I were doing some quick inspections during the chaos of pleasure. (ERAAMION and THOFIRE walk slowly and quietly to the crew's cabins) THOFIRE: I don't know why we have to inspect the crew. ERAAMION: I've told you, it's so we know they're not planning to do anything stupid. Remember what happened to Bendo last year? THOFIRE: Ouch, yeah. That must've hurt. (THOFIRE opens the door to the cabins. He stands shocked as he sees VICLAMIN and UNNAMED CREWMEMBER 1 naked and kissing. A table hides their genitalia. VICLAMIN looks around) VICLAMIN: Hey, captains. Came to join the party? THOFIRE: (Shocked) What's going on here? VICLAMIN: Me and my friend here wanted to have some.. private time. Care to join in? THOFIRE: (Exasparated) No! That's homophobic! ERAAMION: Come on, Thofire. Have you never wondered what it's like on the 'other side' my old friend? THOFIRE: No, but... (sighs) fine. Let's get this over with. (ERAAMION and THOFIRE walk in and the door closes behind them. Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire starts playing. Time is shown to be passing. Eventually, ERAAMION and THOFIRE leave the room. ERAAMION is smiling, while THOFIRE looks pained and is rubbing his backside. VICLAMIN pokes his head round the door) VICLAMIN: Feel free to come back at any time, Captain Sahlok! (VICLAMIN closes the door) ERAAMION: Well, that was rather enjoyable. THOFIRE: It really wasn't. Something that huge isn't meant to go down there. ERAAMION: Oh, stop complaining. You wouldn't have lasted too long on top anyway. THOFIRE: (Grumbling quietly) Hopefully the stretches won't be permanent. (The screen fades to The Windstrider sailing at sunset) THOFIRE: (Narrating) And so we had came to the reason this crew was assembled in the first place: killing the pirates who killed Eraamion's parents. After all these years, we had finally caught up to them. They were not going to get away. ERAAMION: (Looking through a spyglass) At last, I shall have my revenge. The wrongs commited in Cullero shall be righted. (ERAAMION pulls the spyglass from his eye) ERAAMION: (Addressing the crew) My good friends, this is the day we ave awaited for so long. Horrible, despicable men work on that ship. Worse than Kryus, worse than Noraver even. By the Outsider, their reign of terror shall become undone! (Sabaton's White Death starts playing. The Windstrider swiftly approaches the Scourge of the Weak, who fire a few ballistas at The Windstrider) THOFIRE: Should we initiate the plan now? ERAAMION: Yes, that would be a good idea. THOFIRE: Fine. (Shouting) Fire the catapults) (Pots are catapulted at the enemy ship. They shatter and vipers spring out) ERAAMION: (Chuckling) Serkonan vipers. Extremely fast and very venomous. Bet they weren't expecting that. (Scene of vipers biting into the Scourge of the Weak's crew members' arms, some die) UNNAMED ENEMY PIRATE 1: (Stupidly, slowly) Wow, what a spazz. So gay... (UNNAMED ENEMY PIRATE 1 falls off the edge of the ship and dies) UNNAMED ENEMY PIRATE 2: (Spinning frantically) The venom! It burns! Those fricking spaztics! (UNNAMED ENEMY PIRATE 2 spontaneously combusts) ERAAMION: They're too distracted to fight back. Time for our secret weapon. THOFIRE: Didn't we already show that off when we fought Adewale? ERAAMION: Not that secret weapon, the other secret weapon. The big, long one. THOFIRE: Oh... (ERAAMION presses a secret button behind the wheel. A nuke emerges from the hull) ERAAMION: Launching the E-bomb in 3... 2... 1- (THOFIRE presses the launch button before ERAAMION could finish) ERAAMION: You really do have a problem with waiting. THOFIRE: What can I say? I like to be the centre of attention. And I often am: a lot of the time, I feel like everyone else is just a character in my- (THOFIRE is interrupted by the enemy ship exploding in a mushroom cloud. A figure flies through the air and crashes onto The Windstrider's deck. The figure is revealed to be SONTO'VHI. He is alive) ERAAMION: How incredibly convenient. Lotgeir! Wilril! Grab him and hold him still! (WILRIL and LOTGEIR grab hold of SONTRO'VHI's arms and hold him still. ERAAMION approaches SONTRO'VHI and looks at him with disgust) ERAAMION: Fourteen years ago, you killed my family. This is my revenge - have a nice stay in the Nine Hells. (ERAAMION grabs SONTRO'VHI's blade and plunges it into his neck. SONTRO'VHI looks shocked) SONTRO'VHI: You... wretched (SONTRO'VHI is cut off by ERAAMION kicking him in the face. SONTRO'VHI flies into the sea, dead) ERAAMION: Never displease an eladrin. We never forget when we have been trespassed against. (ERAAMION walks away into the captain's cabin. The scene fades to black) 7. The End of an Era (Shot of The Windstrider pulling into a port) THOFIRE: (Narrating) But our time as captains had to come to an end. I left the ship with Eraamion after 15 years of sailing the seas. Shortly after killing Sontro'vhi, Eraamion's mental condition slowly deteriorated. (Shot of ERAAMION sitting solemly in the captain's cabin, refusing to speak to anyone) THOFIRE: (Narrating) It was the guilt of what he'd done, apparently. He said he couldn't go on killing people. Eventually, he was close to madness. (Shot of ERAAMION walking up and down the ship, bending down and touching it at random intervals. He is twitching randomly and has some foam at his mouth) ERAAMION: (Shouting) I need to calculate the average specific heat capacity of the load-bearing tangents! THOFIRE: There was another reason he left: he had a son. (Shot of ERAAMION and CAELYNNA moving around under a bed sheet) CAELYNNA: Oh, Eraamion! You use your long sword so masterfully! (Shot cuts to CAELYNNA walking around with a child) THOFIRE: (Narrating) Eraamion's relationship with his friend, Caelynna, had become rather intimate. He had impregnated her during one of their 'adventures' and she had given birth to a child: Immeral Firaal. (Scene cuts to ERAAMION and THOFIRE walking off The Windstrider) ERAAMION: (Sadly) I can't go on like this, knowing that my son could think I am a criminal. A murderer of innocents. He may well think I steal money from gullible women after I marry them, then run off into the night. What kind of father am I? THOFIRE: (Narrating) That's why we had to go. Eraamion was in no state to be on his own: he may well have killed himself. So we took some of our spoils from our adventures and gave Ripkard the ship. We left immediately after. (The crew of The Winstrider wave goodbye to ERAAMION and THOFIRE) RIPKARD: Bye, guys! You will always be a better class of sailor! (Turns, evil expression on face) RIPKARD: (Menacingly) But now, it is my turn. I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! Mwahahaha! (The rest of The Windstrider's crewmembers laugh menacingly) THOFIRE: (Narrating) At first, Eraamion could barely walk. I had to tend to his every need) (Shows THOFIRE trying to make ERAAMION eat from a spoon) THOFIRE: Just eat it, you eladrin bastard! ERAAMION: No, you dingus! Stop pissballing around! YOU'RE ALL TROMBOES! (Freezes on shot of THOFIRE forcing spoon down ERAAMION'S neck) THOFIRE: (Narrating) Finally, Eraamion grew well enough to travel. For two years, we wandered. Slowly, but surely, Eraamion's health recovered. by the end, he was almost fine. (AC/DC's 'Highway to Hell' starts playing. ERAAMION and THOFIRE walk down a road in a straight line. Mountains, deserts, coastlines and forests move past behind them. Rapidly alternates between day and night. Occasionally rains or snows. A mad-eyed human with black hair and a moustache runs by, then walks into an inn. A CLOAKED MAN limps over slightly later and stops by ERAAMION and THOFIRE. He has strange face paint on) CLOAKED MAN: I need to find Charles Lee! Where is Charles Lee? Where is Charles Lee? THOFIRE: (Confused) The weird looking guy? He went in to an inn down the road. ERAAMION: What are you going to do? Have a drink with him? Stab him? CLOAKED MAN: Thank you. I will now find Charles Lee. I need to find Charles Lee. (CLOAKED MAN limps off. A man in a metallic jacket, black sunglasses and a mohawk rides by on a group of pandas) PANDA MAN: (Singing loudly) Death in the shape of a panda batallion! (PANDA MAN disappears. A woman with bushy hair walks by, with a young teenager on a leash. THOFIRE and ERAAMION look at each other, shake their heads, and go into an inn) THOFIRE: (Narrating) After two years of uneventful travelling, we reached the Nentir Vale. We didn't think anything of it really, it was rather poor. But it was where we met Traveus... 8. The Beginning of an Era (Shows THOFIRE and ERAAMION walking into an inn) THOFIRE: Ok, then. You go get us some beer, I'll see if there are any jobs up for offer. (THOFIRE walks over to a group of people playing cards) THOFIRE: Hello, gentlemen! Any work for a halfling rogue and eladrin wizard? Both single, one recently returned from insanity? UNNAMED EMPLOYER: No. Fuck off. THOFIRE: Dammit! (Turns to walk away. Some time later, THOFIRE and ERAAMION stagger out of the inn. THOFIRE in particular is looking heavily drunk. Ahead of them, a cart is visible on the darkened road. Snoop Dog's 'Who Am I' starts playing. When the camera cuts back to THOFIRE and ERAAMION, they are now sterotypical nerds, with broken glasses, bad teeth and knitted sweatshirts). THOFIRE: (lisping) What the... (The cart pulls closer, bouncing up and down. Stencilled on the side is some text) ERAAMION: (reading the text) Pussy... Wagon... (The cart pulls to a halt. The driver leans out). TRAVEUS: Hey, you! You're so Traveus-supermarket, you don't even know it! Get aboard! (The pair climb in the back of the Pussy Wagon. Inside are several women, dancing and grinding. Also visible are a half-elf, a half-orc and a dwarf. They are also dancing and grinding. The pair join in the party, and the screen slowly fades to black. Text appears onscreen: THE NEXT DAY) THOFIRE: Ow... my head... (THOFIRE and ERAAMION are now back to normal, and the cart is just an ordinary cart, no longer the Pussy Wagon). ORKLAN: Greetings, travellers! Ye be wantin' to join our party, I'm guessin'? Me name be Orklan Boarhide, form the African tribe. And ye are...? THOFIRE: I'm Thofire Silvertouch, from Greenhills. ERAAMION: Eraamion Firaal, from the isle of Serkonos (shakes Orklan's hand). ORKLAN: (waves behind him) This 'ere be Jedcit (camera pans to JEDCIT). Very religious, and he ain't takin' lightly to no faith-based bickerin'! And this fine half-orc 'ere (camera pans to GHAZGHKULL) is Ghazskull Mag Urk... Marg Urk... Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka! Bit dim, but strang as a steel plated fryin' pan. And finally, the lovely Meredith DeLang (camera pans to MEREDITH). She recently graduated frae tha University o' Botany, up in tha mountains. ERAAMION: The guy driving us... who's he? (TRAVEUS turns round) TRAVEUS: Wassup, me homies? Me is Traveus, bare owner of Traveus-supermarket. (TRAVEUS throws a business card at ERAAMION and THOFIRE) TRAVEUS: You two just bin hired by Traveus-supermarket and now you feel epic, innit. All you gotta do, bruv, is get me to a temple in Winterhaven and you is gettin' 100 gold blingaz. You get me? THOFIRE: Yes, we 'get you'. TRAVEUS: Good that, me homies. Also, you be protecting this box above all else, innit bruv. Dis bare box is da most important ting here, yo. THOFIRE: (narrating) We were soon off on our way to the temple. (The cart turns a corner. A rock and a few bushes are visible to one side) ERAAMION: (Jokingly) I bet something's going to jump out from behind there and be like, "Ho ho ho, travellers. That's a very nice box you've got there, I'll be taking that." (Some goblins and wolves jump from behind the bushes. Time freezes and the camera slowly zooms up to them, creepy music plays in the background. AMBUSH GOBLINS: (Very slowly) Ho ho ho, travellers. That's a very nice box you've got there, I'll be taking that. (High pitched, fast) Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! (An AMBUSH GOBLIN jumps into the cart. Traveus jumps out the side, shouting something unintelligible. The AMBUSH GOBLIN grabs the box and runs into the distance). ORKLAN: O nay! 'E stole the box! (The other AMBUSH GOBLINS run into the distance) THOFIRE: (narrating) We had barely joined the party and already we had been defeated by goblins. The most pathetic creatures on the planet! I started to think it had been a bad idea to join Traveus and his crew... MEREDITH: I think they went into that cave over there- THOFIRE: I've got a feeling that they went into that cave over there. ORKLAN: You're right laddie! None of us lot noticed that wee detail! MEREDITH: But... (The party head for the cave, Traveus following) TRAVEUS: Look homies! (The party turn as one) TRAVEUS: Dat guy is watching us! (A hooded figure can be seen on a ledge on the cliff face, before it moves away) TRAVEUS: Tingz are gettin spooky round here! (GHAZGHKULL grunts). TRAVEUS: Listen homies! I give you thirty of da monies each if you get me my box, innit! ERAAMION: Sounds good to me. We'll get your box, no problem. (The part enter the cave, THOFIRE leading them). THOFIRE: (narrating) As we entered, Eraamion was instantly hit by a hex and blinded. I knew that those wretched goblins were going to put up a fight. (ERAAMION is seen rubbing his eyes collapsed on the floor. The rest of the party battle the goblins). ERAAMION: My eyes! My eyes! That thing shot some white stuff in my eyes! THOFIRE: (Narrating) One of the goblins then opened a door to let a drake out. As Eraamion's vision recovered, he somehow managed to scare the stupid creature and I pushed it into a burning brazier. THOFIRE: (pushes drake into fire) Back to hell from whence you came, foul drake! THOFIRE: (Narrating) However, the drake managed to escape the flames. Luckily, Eraamion again spoke some draconic and frightened the drake so much it fled. (Malareth's drake starts running away, crying. The party kill the rest of the goblins) THOFIRE: (Narrating) We went into the next room, but easily overcame the opposition. (GHAZGHKULL steps on two rats. ORKLAN accidentally decapitates two zombies while MEREDITH fires he crossbow randomly, scoring a headshot) GHAZGHKULL: Ghazghkull like rat-shoes. Rat-shoes make feet warm. (THOFIRE stoops down and searches a goblin. Finds a crossbow) THOFIRE: (Happily) Oh cool: a crossbow! I've always wanted one of these. (Time freezes) DM: (Booming) Stop! You did not find a crossbow on his body. Stick to your short bow. (The crossbow vanishes) THOFIRE: (Confused) Where did it go? (The party progresses to the next room, which is too dark to see well in. MEREDITH runs in and hits an invisible forcefield. She is sent flying backwards, all of her clothes fly off except her underwear) MEREDITH: Wheeee! (Hits a wall) Ouch, I'm ok! (MEREDITH looks down and sees her clothes are missing) MEREDITH: Tee hee! My clothes are gone; don't look boys! (JEDCIT stares lustily at MEREDITH) JEDCIT: (Drooling) Wow, uh huh. I want some of that action! (JEDCIT runs into the invisible wall. He is knocked back slightly, his clothes fly off to reveal a spandex suit) JEDCIT: Awww, my god has cursed me! (ERAAMION casts a ball of light into the centre of the room. A checkerboard pattern is revealed) ERAAMION: Hey, I think I have a theory about the invisible walls. This looks like a chess- (ERAAMION is interrupted by the rest of the party shouting loudly, discussing what the invisible wall is) ERAAMION: (Trying to be heard over the party) Guys! I think these squares represent the bishops and knights on a chess- DM: (Booming,interrupting ERAAMION) Hint: it's a chess board.and the squares you step on mean you can move like either a bishop or knight, depending on which one you step on first. THOFIRE: Wow, thanks Mysterious Voice. Why didn't anyone pick that up? ERAAMION: (Exasparated) But... I... (sighs) Let's get this over with. Category:Out of Game Category:Thofire